Oopsie!

Today may hold the record for my absolutely worst showing in class ever. EVER. I had an exam this morning and things didn't go quite as well as I had hoped. The unfortunate part is that I really studied for this one. Not the normal, read-the-chapter-before-I-fall-asleep-at-midnight. Noooo... this was a multi-day process.

And I went down in flames.

You say it's not possible to score in the negative? I did. So on my next exam, they will just deduct 7 points off the top. You know, to make up for today's deficiency.

That's how bad it was.

Basically, I studied all of the wrong stuff. The worst part is that the exam wasn't a nice ''choose the best answer: A. B. C. or D''. No, this was one of those ''fill in the five-inch-blank'' kinda exams. My strategy was to head straight to the questions I thought I could easily answer, you know, to build my confidence. Then I worked my way around the test looking for questions I could bullshit my way through. Finally, after finishing three questions total, I took on the rest of the exam. My motto was, " when in doubt, be obscure" For one answer, I sketched an actual pie chart. I added a few pieces of chicken scratch writing, tossed a few French phrases I remembered from 8th grade, and added some arrows for flare!

I will spend the rest of the week avoiding eye contact with my professor, and acting particularly preoccupied between classes.

"What 'cha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk..."

So... as I was dancing around in my kitchen to the Black Eyed Peas album on my ipod, I realized that my neighbors have a direct view right into my home. Hope nobody over there has a bolg and a camera! I'm toast! I just can't help it... I Loooove the Peas!!!

The View From Here...

This is the view from my bedroom window everyday! Randy and I refer to him as Mr. Miyagi (from the Karate Kid). I was thrilled to see that he was practicing at the same time I was conveniently playing paparazzi. He begins in 'first position',

then carefully moves on to 'the block'

The third picture is right after a nice jump and twirl maneuver...

and finally, 'the bow'.

Bravo, Mr. Miyagi! Another fine performance!

Camel Toe

When a woman's clothing clings so tightly to her crotch that a viewer can make out the cleft between the labia, she is showing camel toe. So named for the similarity to the actual toe of a camel.

Time Out!

I think this blog is killing me! I have been blogging up a storm recently but my sleep time has been lacking. It is starting to take a toll on my lovely body! I am going to take a few days off and LEAVE THE COMPUTER ALONE! I have a pile of exams next week and I need to stay focused. Sorry 'bout that, but I gotta do what I gotta do. If I think of anything funny, I will post it... but for now I need to slow up on the blogging! Maybe 2 or 3 times a week?! For those of you in the respiratory world, I am taking you off of A/C and placing you on SIMV for now. For those of you not in the respiratory world, that joke is freaking hilarious. Trust me.

Thanks!

Jo

Bombeck. Erma Bombeck.

I've always loved laughing. When I was a child, my father introduced me to Laurel and Hardy. To this day I can still remember the first time I watched Stanley create "another fine mess" by rolling a piano over Oliver. I was instantly hooked. When my dad dragged home that rented VCR every Tuesday night (we couldn't afford one yet) with a Laurel and Hardy video just for me, it was better than Christmas.

As I grew older, funny old movies turned into funny books. In my early teens I discovered the brilliance of Erma Bombeck! She found the humor in everyday life. At the age of 13 I didn't care that she was writing about motherhood and being a housewife, (things I could hardly relate to at the time) I wanted to be just like her! Recently I stumbled upon an old Erma quote, "When my children were younger, I figured out there were two kinds of mothers: those who dragged themselves out of a warm bed and put nutritious chili in a wide-mouth thermos, and those who stuck a stick of gum and a picture of The Virgin Mary in a sack with instructions to "Trade up!" This quote reminded me how much I loved her humor and writing.

As it turns out, Erma's passion is still alive.
I found a web site about an annual Erma Bombeck Writing Competition. I was pretty excited to see what new humor writers are putting out there these days! You can only imagine my surprise to read THIS. This girl won first place? I was stunned. Is this a high school competition? Poor Erma. If this is the best we have, maybe we should just toss out the baby with the bathwater! I miss Erma.

How???

How do I manage to wake up every morning looking like this???

It's true...

Black and white photography really does cover a multitude of sins!

What perfection!

Just wanted to let you all know that I can now take blogging to the next level...

I have discovered audioblogging... now when I am on the road and away from my computer, I can just call my blog in and it will automatically post! That is what the sound bite is above! Check it out!

In and Out

So there is a group of guys who went out and ordered a 100x100 In and Out burger! Then they ate it. Every bite. Back in the day I had a friend who could pull this off. Tim, if you are out there... I think you should give it a try.

You know you want it.

Introducing... Miss Maggie!!!

After the tragic loss of Abby <~~click (the family lab) last year, my parent's home was uncharacteristically quiet. Fortunately Maggie has joined the ranks! Miss Maggie was a rescue dog, with a troubled past. I am sure she will soon do what everybody else in my family does... work through the pain with food. Enjoy your doggie biscuits, pup. Your 90-day probation begins today, good luck!

Update: thanks for the comment, Becks... I've slept 8 hrs in three days... cut me some slack.

Just A Sweet Transvestite...

Tonight I worked a shift at the Macaroni Grill... I agreed to close the restaurant down, so everyone else who actually took interest in the super bowl could have the night off. Every night after the restaurant is closed and all of the guests have left, we have a cleaning crew come in and do all of the detail work on the floors and walls. Pretty boring stuff. Nothing special happens. Tonight a guy and a girl both showed up and started to clean a little early. Twice I asked the girl a few questions, but she only nodded in response. It wasn't until I was about to clock out and leave that she finally addressed me verbally. (In retrospect, I feel kinda bad, but...) The moment "her" baritone voice hit my ears, my head snapped around and my jaw dropped to the floor. I was stunned. S/he wasn't a large individual, and it wasn't terribly obvious that s/he was in "transition", so I was genuinely shocked. Leave it to the Mac G... our cleaning lady is a trannie! Fantastic!

DUH!

Editor's Note: Randy said that it is probably "no big deal" only half of the time! Isn't he witty!?

I found this article recently:

Bipolar Gene Discovery No Big Deal To Bipolar Disability Victims

The recent discovery of the gene responsible for bipolar disorder holds scientific interest, but certainly no consolation for the many thousands of bipolar sufferers in the U.S. whose symptoms have become so severe that they can no longer hold down regular jobs. These symptoms range from extreme mood swings or manic episodes to feelings of hopelessness, even suicide attempts.

I just thought the title of the article was mostly amusing. Of course it's "no big deal" to them. They are friggin' BIPOLAR!

Brokeback...

I was one of the many people who went to see Brokeback Mountain and LOVED it. I did find the more intimate parts a bit difficult to watch, but it was an amazing story. However, I think I should apologize just in case I am the only one who thinks this is funny.

Click On The Picture Below...

Don't worry, there aren't any naked body parts or anything of that nature.

Do you speak English well?

Tonight I was working at Riverside Community Hospital, when a trauma came into the ER. Since my night had been painfully boring, I decided to stroll on into the trauma room to watch the action. The patient was being poked by no less than six different people while the doctor was telling her what was going on and what would soon be happening. I noticed that the patient, although awake, was not responding to the doctor. The doctor asked a few questions but the patient continued to ignore the doctor.


Finally he asked her "Do you speak English good?"
She responded with a nod. Yes she did.
"Good..." the doctor responded, "So do I."

It took every ounce of self-control not to disagree with his definition of "good English".