How Tanning Salons Are Like Drugs...

Today I went to join a new tanning salon... it's a real fancy shmancy place (but because it just opened, I only paid $10 for my first month) anywhoo... fancy shmancy place and all of the tanning beds are the stand-up kind. This was pretty revolutionary to me. The last time I tanned was, like, 5 years ago... so it's been a while, but I do recall that in the tanning beds where you lie down, it is easy to get those white stripes across the sides of your legs. Those of you who are not card-carrying members of the beefcake club will not understand this, but the sides of your body just don't get enough light... so you are forced to rotate your body around and around in the bed (imagine a giant pig being roasted on a spit) just to get an even tan. Well apparently those days are now over for me. So today I signed up and did my first 6 minute session in the standing tanning booth. I spent those six minutes contorting my body in different positions so I didn't' have any white areas. (Imagine the Karate Kid with his arms above his head, and one leg up in front.) Because of my creativity in body positioning, and my lack of knowledge in the tanning bed technology, (apparently tanning beds, much like drugs... now stronger than they were twenty years ago) I am charred in more than just the usual areas. It seriously hurts to sit down. I didn't know that the inside of my butt cheeks were capable of picking up UV rays. But they did. Like a giant satellite. Oh, and the pictures??? Yeah, the one of the left is how I picture myself. Unfortunately, reality may be more like the one on the right. And, NO... that is not a picture of me on the right... heavens, no! Look at those eyebrows! Just wrong.

Time of Death... 19:34

I am convinced that death is the great equalizer in life. On many occasions, I have been a part of a team attempting to re-start a heart or get a patient breathing again. Unfortunately, many times we just can't overcome the damage that has been done to the body, and the time of death is pronounced. Normally I can deal with death. (As long as it doesn't hit too close to home.) I also understand that an experience that brings a huge rush of adrenaline to those of us who work in an emergency situation, is the same experience that has just crushed the lives of the remaining family and friends of the victim. So after the pronouncement of death, I try to take a moment and recognize the depth of what transpired. What I consistently see is that no matter the decisions an individual makes in life, it always ends the same way. Baby, it aint pretty. Death doesn't have to come in the form of violence to be ugly either. If your heart just stops, somebody (like me) is going to hop on top of you and force your chest down nearly 2 inches with all of my strength. I am going to do this nearly 100 times a minute until the Doctor says to stop. Sometimes we go for nearly an hour. Feel your chest. Try to make it move inward even 1/4 of an inch. You are guaranteed that I am going to snap a few ribs while I work. I have done this for little old men, heroine users, teenagers, state prisoners, and church pastors. Life may have been different for each of them, but death was the same. Every time.

Last night, the pronouncement came at 19:35. Just after 7:30 in the evening somebody, somewhere in the waiting room, lost the one person in this world who means everything to them. It struck me how quick my world could change. But through it all, I am convinced even more than ever, that there is something more than just this life. I am lucky to have moments like this that cause me to occasionally re-evaluate my faith and often strengthen it.

Situational Irony.

This morning, I was among one of the lucky few employees with orders in the Psych Ward! I waited until after breakfast (and morning meds) to drag my EKG machine up to the 5400 floor, and then began the obligatory search for my patient. After catching and tying down my prey (just kidding, I didn't really have to catch her... I had an orderly do it for me) I started explaining how the test would go. While performing the EKG exam on this female "inmate", she mentioned to me that she was here because she wanted to die and also considered killing a few others. As usual, I responded with something like, "Well, we are just lucky to have you here. I'm happy that you are safe now". While this may seem like somewhat of a strange conversation, I can assure you that this is totally par for the course. But I nearly laughed out loud when she told me that she was convinced she had a heart problem, and was afraid that she was going to die! The same woman who WANTED TO KILL HERSELF was afraid she was going to die from a heart attack! Gotta love it.

Church Lady? Not me.

So... I just had en epiphany! I realized why I don't go to church... because I am afraid of being judged for who I am. I know that sounds like a total cop-out, but I am really afraid of not fulfilling some perceived "church-lady" image. I am sure that half of the time there is no judgment being passed (ok. maybe 1/3 of the time), but how am I supposed to explain to the women's bible study group why my husband has 6 beers on tap in our BACKYARD!?

Revenge of the "Toe"

Have you ever had one of those days when the shit just hit the fan? How about while you were standing under the fan? Even worse, as it hit, everybody said the shit was yours? Welcome to my life. (OK, so I admit I may have tossed a few turds into the mix, but what came out was hardly what I expected.) If you have followed my blog for any length of time, I am sure you have made the observation that I have very strong opinions. Occasionally my opinions tend to get me into a giant mess much like the one I'm in right now. And what does this mess involve?

Enter: Camel Toe, Stage Right.

Last weekend I was having a conversation with a co-worker about my experience with the respiratory program. As you can imagine, I voiced some of my opinions and then tossed in my personal take on Camel Toe. I said that I found her behavior thoroughly exasperating. (It’s possible that I was at bit more crude with my language. I think I used the term, "strong dislike". Ok, ok, I said that,” I can't find one redeemable quality about her.") I am of the opinion that she has elected herself the queen of morality, yet somehow does not abide by her own code. Because of that observation, (and having been the recipient of a multitude of nasty "shushes") I don't like her. Oh, and she has been in possession of insider information (aka tests from earlier this year) and passes them out to her little group. I may have mentioned that to the Co-worker as well. Based on her principles alone (or lack thereof) I am not one to judge. I just can't stand the fact that the Toe has gone to the program director (whom we will refer to as PD) on many occasions regarding student ethics and behavior, yet she crawls around in the darkness with her insider information. Unfortunately, what I failed to acknowledge before making such accusation to my co-worker, was that my co-worker was also my professor. Apparently this was one of the few times that he happened to actually be listening to me. My bad. Evidently Co-Worker went to PD last night after class. And the PD went to Camel Toe. As can be expected, within 45 seconds of Camel Toe's trial and execution (she denies all and was cleared... duh), the gossip and rumors were spreading like wildfire.

The rumor was: That I had gone to the professor and told him that Camel Toe had copies of the final which our class was about to take. And that PD had changed the final. I don't think that the class was all that concerned with the Toe as much as they were all concerned with their own grades in the class. Over the past few weeks, our instructor for the class had given us various "hints" regarding the final, and we were pretty well prepared for it. But if PD changed everything, it was possible that we might have studied all of the wrong information. And this could be bad. Real bad. Fail one class in this program, you fail the whole program. You can only imagine the tension among the students.

What happened last night was the phone-tree from hell. The Toe told Classmate 1, Classmate 1 told Classmate 2 and 3. As you can assume it just exploded from there! Within minutes I was Public Enemy #1.

I was made aware of this upon my arrival to class this morning. In a class of 34 people, only one person was willing to find out from me personally if the accusation was true. Nice. In the end, the exam had not been changed and the rumor totally untrue. In a group of the most dysfunctional people I have ever met, I am convinced that my exoneration will never be complete. People will probably hate me and surely gossip behind my back. How is different from the previous months? It's not. On the up-side, I don't have to take summer school with any of those jackasses because unlike 31 of the 34 members of my class, I ACTUALLY PASSED THE ASSESSMENT EXAM, and I am not required to attend. HA! (Sorry Kel. You know I’ve got nothin' but love for ya, but you suffer alone.)

I realize that I will never get clemency for my action. Probably don't deserve it anyways. I am even OK with the fact that people dislike me in a BIG way. I just want them to hate me for a legitimate reason. Not some stupid rumor.

Camel Toe vs. Soy Crisps

Two weeks from today I take my last final... so I can't really get back into the blog-of-things till then, right now I am barely hanging on to the edge of sanity!.

Over the past 9 months I have spent time with some of the most useless human beings I have ever met. They are my classmates. Don't get me wrong here, there are a handful that I really enjoy. But the rest of them can all eat poo. As it turns out, many of them have the same feelings towards me. Not just me... but my trusty sidekick, Kelly (that's her ~~>). Kelly and I met the first day of class, and by the end of that day we knew that we had found a friend for life. (By "life" I mean till June 16th... graduation!) We do EVERYTHING together.

In a classroom of nearly 32 students, there is one person who constantly lands on the top of our list of people to annoy; primarily because it is just so easy to do. She has had the same haircut since 1979 (I saw her wedding pics) and that is why we always refer to her (behind her back of course) as Farrah Fawcett. Her most noted crime is that she has a perpetual camel toe (click to see what it is, if you don't already know) that extends to her rear end, and I must say... this woman "deflowers" herself every time she wears a pair of jeans. It's just wrong. Now, please don't find me so shallow as to think that the "toe" alone is enough of a reason to torment her. Honestly, it wasn't until she personally appointed herself, "The Shusher/ Courtesy Police" that we really decided to take action. She takes every possible opportunity to regularly shush all members of the class and on occasion has been known to shuffle her way to the front of the class to make an "announcement" about how rude and annoying we all are to her. With that in mind...

It was Monday morning when I dragged myself out of bed around 5:30 AM, after only 3.5 hours of restless sleep. You can only imagine my mood! By the time I arrived to class, I had sat in traffic for nearly an hour and then hiked 15 minutes from my car to the classroom! When I finally arrived to class I quietly began to settle in for the next 8 hours of my day. By that time, our prof. had started to fill us in on what we would be covering. Farrah usually records EVERY lecture with her trusty tape recorder. Apparently she wasn't sure if she was cued up properly so she started to play that tape OUT LOUD, IN CLASS! I was distracted and didn't listen to what the prof. was saying. This was all made abundantly clear when I raised my hand to ask a question about something he had JUST covered. Farrah then took the opportunity to turn around and tell me that maybe I should, "Learn how to listen a little bit better". I was stunned. Before I could fire off a snide comeback, Kelly stepped in and told her, "Nobody could hear anything over that stupid recorder". Farrah had totally crossed the line, and we were now at war.

Unfortunately, nobody realized what a huge arsenal I brought with me to school! In my rush to get out the door and in my car, I decided to skip breakfast and just grab a bag of Soy Crisps to munch on in class. As it turns out, opening the bag was the quietest thing I did from then on. Once the lecture got started, I reached over and grabbed the bag and tore the whole thing open. Five people turned around to give me a dirty look. I smiled and continued on. (Fortunately the prof. is so self absorbed that he didn't even notice. He wouldn't care anyway, he only talks so he can hear himself! And since I feed him regularly in exchange for tutoring, he knew that he was getting some food out of this.) I handed a pile to Kelly and we started CRUNCHING away. We ate half of the bag with our mouths open. It was the most wonderful revenge I could imagine! For twenty minutes Farrah had to suffer while we crunched, munched, and swallowed. The cherry on top is when Kelly realized that if she pulled the straw out of her breakfast smoothie and sucked real hard, she could make a fantastic slurping noise too. Knowing that Farrah can't concentrate if there is ANY noise around her, Kelly and I are bringing celery to class for our final next week. Game on, Camel Toe!

I love Richard Simmons

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

The wonderful thing about Tiggers...

Tiggers are wonderful things! But this bouncy girl is sooo over blogging for now. Well, not in the sense that I don't want to anymore... I just don't have the time. If I think of anything amusing I will be happy to post. But for now I need to prepare for my state boards and that leaves little time for other things.

TTFN!

Jo

Try it! Only 6 questions.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it," also applies to the brain, so.....Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the following test and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it."OK, relax, clear your mind and.... begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate, such as Children's World."If you said "water," proceed to question 3

3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said, "green bricks,"what the devil are you still doing reading these questions?????If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.

4. Twenty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines failed. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the third engine fails before he has time to attempt an emergency landing, and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany.Where would you bury the survivors? In East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said,"Don't bury the survivors," proceed to the next question.

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree. If you said, "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn in your pencil, and exit the room.Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus, and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carma then, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!

You're Hired...

I am quite pleased to announce that I will be working at Redlands Community Hospital in the Cardio/Pulmonary Department as an EKG Tech. I was fortunate enough to be offered the position, and it will blend seamlessly with my college diploma and certification as a Respiratory Care Practitioner! (Once I pass my board exams, I will be able to move into a respiratory job!) Woo Hoo!
Now it's only a matter of time until Randy applies and gets accepted to THIS! And then I can get a job HERE!

Randy is at it again...

Yes, this is a turkey fryer. Yes this is our kitchen floor.
Yes he is brewing AGAIN.

I'll let you all know if anything blows up!

Thought for the day...

I just had to post this!
Love it!

FYI

I just wanted to make sure that everyone is following Rob's blog! For some strange reason there is a big blank area at the top... but just scroll down the page, and the magic begins! Currently he is in Switzerland! You really don't want to miss this!

Jo

Just for the record...

We will now refer to Randy by his new name... "Fancy Pants" Isley.

For now...

I am just too tired to blog right now. Sorry. I have written down a few amusing thoughts, but I am exhausted from life. School and work are going to be the death of me! I will write again... but for now, I'm gonna take my 10 lb school book to be with me and try to study via osmosis! I'll let you know how it goes!

Jo